When most of us sit and think about what we want to do with our lives, often we find ourselves saying, "well, I'd like to do X," or "I wish I could do Y." Truth be told, even still in my early thirties I find myself unsure of my chosen path. I suspect that this will continue for some time.
I'm working hard in school finally making my way toward my first bachelor's degree in Management with a professional interest in Entrepreneurship. I have a good job that I enjoy and which allows me to pay the bills. I have a husband whom I adore, and who is truly my very best friend in the world, and I have a family who loves and supports me. One might think that a person with all of these positives in his/her life must know where he/she is headed, right? Wrong. I find myself wondering if I chose the right program? "Where will it take me?" I ask myself. "Will I like where I land?"
When it comes down to it, though, I guess it doesn't really matter. Erik and I know we want to own a business, we know we want to hike the AT after I graduate, we know we want to travel the world and meet people and cultures along the way, and ultimately, we think we want to have a family after all of that is complete.
I used to think there was a specific order in which my days should progress. Easily, I should take the path that is "expected." I should graduate from college, get a job, get married, have a family. But my path got a bit scrambled along the way. I went to college, met the man of my dreams, didn't graduate, held 2 to 4 jobs at a time to pay the bills, grew very big dreams, and am now back in college.
Certainly, when I was asked years ago where I saw myself in 15 years, it wasn't here. I was going to be successful in all modern terms of the word. I would have a big house that was perfectly clean, and a handsome husband. We'd obviously have two beautiful, perfectly behaved children, and a pretty green lawn with some flowers that would be kept on the weekends. I would live in storybook-land.
From time to time, as most of us do, I find myself wishing that all had worked out just so. And then I snap out of it and remember that all of those ideals come from...wait for it...a story book! I remember that life is a living thing. It's messy, and difficult, and sometimes a little gray. We learn and grow and change every single day. I have to remind myself that it's OK that my (admittedly very handsome) husband drives me bat shit crazy on a good day, that my little cottage of a house will likely always be a disaster. My yard is effectively a mud pit, and I will likely start a family at nearly 40 instead of nearly 30. I remind myself (when I remember) that I don't have to control everything: It's a successful day, after all, when I remember to eat breakfast and grab all of my school books on my way out the door. And I've had to convince myself to nearly completely give up on the notion of being a stereotypical "good" wife.
That journey continues day by day. Rainbows appear now and again, along with a beautiful, blue sky which reminds me that good things are coming. Very good things. We began accomplishing some of our goals with our wedding a few years ago, a trip to Israel & Egypt a few months after that, a recent visit to the Dominican Republic was an interesting and different experience. We will continue to cross items off of our list this spring and summer. We will take our first multi-day hiking trip in a few short weeks, I will study in India for 3 weeks, and we will visit London and Paris for a handful of days each as well.
I'm still unsure of my path. I never know if a choice is the right one or the convenient one. But this, these choices, seem right. We are stepping off the beaten path, "[taking] the road less traveled by..." We are excited, and nervous, and thrilled...and blessed. Blessed beyond measure. I don't know what we seek, but I know that it lives. We will continue to ask and to wonder, and one day, G-d willing, we will be at peace knowing that we saw all that we were meant to see, that we tasted life as it was meant to be tasted, and that we lived this living thing called life.
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